Trying to make the right decision.

Everyone says your past should stay your past. Why do we allow ourselves to go back to our ex-boyfriends/girlfriends? Why is it so hard to move on from people? Let go and move the fuck on. I honestly need to take this as some personal advice.

2004 I dated "big" (that is going to be his alias). I was seventeen years old, and he was twenty years old. I liked him, in all honesty he is the reason why I went to college. He was older, I learned a lot from him. He taught me the true definition of a gentleman. Life became real, my age came into play. We didn't work out! I went away to college, he and I kept in touch. I was young, he needed a young lady who was going to be able to give a little more than what I could at the time. I was in high school and he was in college. Long story short he played me, I found out we broke up. Regardless of the situation that took place between the two of us, I still had this strong attraction to him. I dated, moved on and so did he. We kept in touch, but it was nothing serious.

Fast forward to my currently life. Here he is! In my life like hip hop. ( if you know me you know I love hip hop) I can honestly say I have dated other men, and hung out with other men. However, I have never had a connection like how he and I connect. He makes me happy, makes me laugh, allows me to be me. He is a straight up gentleman! He corrects me when I am wrong, he calls me at 6 in the morning to tell I am beautiful and to have a great day at work. He will send me a text to make me laugh, and lets me know he is thinking of me during the day. I can admit this may be "game. If he calls or text messages me I get butterflies. I get girlie.

He makes me happy, he likes me, he thinks about me daily, he also believes in my dreams, and wants me to achieve my goals in life, and he lets me know that I am a positive impact in his life. He is sincere about everything he says I love it.

Although he sounds like he is the ideal guy, he has kidS. With separate women. He has told me in more ways then one he wants to be with me, long term. But he wants to know if I am ready and up for the commitment of playing "step mommy." Children I hate to say it, but it is baggage. It is a serious commitment. When you date a person with kids, you are in a relationship with the kids also. You are not only building a relationship with him, but you have to work on building a relationship with the kidS. Everyone who I have run this situation by they have all said "NO" do not do it. But are they taking all of these factors in to consideration? Do they understand and realize he is making me happy. He cares about me, and my feelings. I mean what if this guy and I are really meant to be together, and I listen to what everyone else is saying, and I walk away from him. Then what? what happens?

Should we really care about other peoples opinions and thoughts? People say to me I can do so much better, I have so much going on. They tell me I am settling. Am I settling? Or am I accepting a person for who they are? When you date a person aren't you accepting them for who they are? When you accept a person you are accepting them flaws and all. So should I not accept him with what he has with him? Is it truly unfair to me? What do you think I should do? Remember most things are easier said then done.

Venting/Rant.

Lately I feel like I have been stuck in a box. I want more out of life, I want to do more. I feel stuck, I feel like I cannot do more. I feel like I cannot go farther. I feel like a car stuck in the mud. I have lost all of drive. I cannot tell you where it has gone. In the beginning I felt like I was distracted. Now I feel like I no longer have the drive to do more.

I think I feel like this because I have a fear of being rejected. I try my hardest to surround myself with positive people. However I have a very negative father. My father does not support me or anything I want to do. Deep, I know. The things he thinks of me, and says to me could be heartbreaking to someone. I have learned to deal with it. Allow me to ask this question if someone told you everyday you were a failure and you were shit. Would you believe them? Or would you try your hardest to remove yourself from there negativity? Personally I know I need to remove all negative views, opinions, people out of my life.

The first step for me will be do to remove myself from a negative atmosphere. I must focus on moving out of my parents house, getting into law school, and focusing on my focus. I am going to set some goals for myself for the next coming months. I need a real beach vacation. I need to go back to Miami. I need to remove myself from the outside world, and put some things in perspective. I need to do better. They say the first step is admitting there are issues. I am admitting I need to pull myself together. I am now addicted to chocolate. Chocolate is filling a void I have in my life. Chocolate makes me happy.

Tomorrow is going to be a new day for me. I want to start everything over, a clean slate. I am not going to hold any grudges. I am going to start blogging on a regular, and I am going to try my hardest to get back on track.

* Please forgive me, I know this post is all over the place. I normally do not write like this, but I am venting. And I have to blog this bull shit out.

Writing

I really want to write. I feel like my mind is not where it should be. I have sooooo many distractions, and I need to find some type of motivation, which is what I am currently lacking. Once I find the motivation to write I will do so. I hope you all are well, and you will hear from me soon.