Quick Quote

You must be unintimidated by your own thoughts because if you write with someone looking over you shoulder, you’ll never write.

Nikki Giovanni

When it hurts so bad

I had my mind up, I was not going to New York to visit anyone. It was my senior year of college. I was doing me, and enjoying my life! my ex wanted me to fly to New York for the weekend. He kept saying it was urgent, and "we" needed to talk about some things! Needless to say he bought a plane ticket for me to fly up on Friday night, and fly out on Sunday. He text, and called me everyday until I told him I was going to come. I gave in, shit all of the phone calls and text messages were getting on my nerves. We were officially done, but we semi kept in touch. I still harbored feelings for him.
I played with the situation in my head days before I left North Carolina. What did "we" have to talk about that was so important. I was going to NY, in the middle of mid-terms, however I did need a little break from the South. This didn't sound like such a bad idea to get away. But still he was an ex boyfriend! At this point in my life we still had minimal contact. I still had feelings for him, but I was never in LOVE! We were friends, I packed everything I could think of, and had a hair appointment on Thursday "I always have to look fly going to NY." You know you have to make sure your ex knows what he is missing! (everyone has tried to be fly when seeing an ex) Everything was packed, I was ready to go! My roommate brought me to the airport, we are sitting in the car ridding, all of a sudden my roommate looks at me and says " yo are you sure you want to go visit him.?" I look at her and I say yes! What is the worse that can happen? She ignores me, as I get out the car she looks at me and says I have a bad feeling about you going to NY.

Bad feeling... I am thinking the worse! I hate when people give you their thoughts and opinions on something that you are already second guessing. I check in, and slowly walk to my gate. I send him a text that says " at the airport." I pull out my crossword puzzle book, and wait for my flight to get called. I never got a response text to the text I sent him. I think that's weird. OK whatever! Hop on the plane and take an hour and a half nap!
I land in the concrete jungle, and I grab my luggage.. I call to find out where the he is! He says "I'm on my way, calm down." Cool... twenty minutes later, he shows up at the airport. I am beyond hungry, and all I can think of is the food I am going to eat in NY. He asks me what I want to eat, I say Italian. He is like cool.. We go to Harlem, I take my shower prep for the evening and we are off.. I get dressed, and we go to this Italian restaurant. ( I don't remember the name) We sit down to eat, I order some wine, he orders some hard liquor. I begin to drink, we talk... Damn I feel like there is something about his personality that I miss. it makes me question myself, "Do I want that old thing back." The conversation is going great. I ask, "what was sooo important that you had to see me? He says I wanted to see your pretty face. (awkward silence)

He says no I have to tell you something; and I wouldn't feel right if I didn't do this face to face." He looks up, he gives me this look. Nooooo, I know this look, but I don't know this look. This is the nervous look. He reaches across the table and places his hand on mine. I give him my hands to hold! he looks me dead in my eyes, he stares and takes a deep breath! I look into his face, he has my attention.. He starts off with these lines I will never forget. " I do not care about what anyone thinks, but I give a fuck about your opinion." He breaks the news, I pull my hands back, I put them on the table, I am fighting tears, I try my hardest not to cry. At that moment I let go, and I learned about life, and the heart aches, and heart breaks.

*Fin*

_ Ill never tell you all what he told me, It honestly is not that serious, but that day, and that very moment I learned that everyone cannot be trusted. I was gullible, I have learned and grown so much in my life. That day hurt so bad, but without that bump/bruise I wouldn't be who I am today.

The Struggle

Why can't we accept things for what they are? Why do people always sugar coat the truth. Is it because we do not want to hurt peoples feelings? If someone is wrong, or if something is wrong we should vocalize it. Life is so much better when people are honest and truthful. We as a society or people but band aids over everything. If something happens we just try and patch it up and keep it moving. We live on the forget about it system. Aren't we all tired of just patching things up and not really working on things? If situations do not work let it go! Why should we as people waste our time on things. We can never get a minute wasted back, so if we cant get the minute wasted back, why even bother wasting it? I guess we all have to live and learn. When we wait on things, we miss out on endless opportunities. Sometimes a missed opportunity we can never get back. Then we spend our lives wondering what our lives would have been like if we seized the opportunity that was before us. Remember we only get "ONE" life to live. Don't dwell on what you cannot control, but remember everything happens for a reason, and sometimes the reason of why something happened will never be revealed to us. Life your life based on you, and no one else.

* Fin*

The purpose of this quick rant was because I found myself drifting this week and thinking about some decisions, I did not make. My life has a path, and so does yours. However, I cannot sit here and dwell on opportunities I did not take advantage of. I often wonder what life would have been like if I stayed in N.C? Or what if I did apply to the grad program at NYU. Its water under the bridge. I now have new opportunities to take advantage of. Live your life for you, because no one is else doing it.

Why The World is Single.

I haven't had a serious relationship in a while, and when I say a while I say a couple of years. I am cool with that. I am not seriously looking for a relationship. I am enjoying my twenties. It would be nice to have someone to build with, or to have someone to share my accomplishments with. But that is not where my life has placed me. As people, we get so caught up with others, and with what others have, we question where we are, and what we are doing, and why we do not have the things others have, such as love and relationships. We all have different walks in life. Looking at others, can cause us to make impulsive decisions because it looks good to others. I have seen and met so many people who are unhappily in a relationship. When did being single become such a bad thing? Whenever I meet a guy for the first time, we go on a couple of dates and we play the getting to know each other phase I am always asked the question why am I single?

Sometimes we need to be single so we can become familiar with ourselves. How can we share ourselves with someone else, if we are still trying to figure out who we are? Or if we do not even know who we are? Love is not as simple as it seems, love is a little more complex, then we think. I believe we as human beings should stop being so uptight and just live life. That is a problem we all have. We are so scared of getting hurt. Everything is a learning experience, and getting hurt is part of the process. We learn from the scars, and bruises.

I think so many of us are single, because we are scared of getting hurt. It is about the memories that make life. Think about how many memories you had with other people, and think about how you felt at that moment. If that person hurt you, that is the past. you learned from that situation. Never allow fear to come between the life you live. You may miss out on something that was a great thing, because of fear.

* Why do you think the world is single? What is the difference between love, lust and convenience? ( I need to know for a topic I am working on)

That's How You Feel.

I said I was not going to write about this situation. However, in order for me to move on and forget about the situation I must vent this out! I consider myself to be respectable, as well as a classy young lady.

This weekend I found myself relapsing in all of the wrong ways. I always said I want nothing to do with any of my ex- boyfriends. I do not like going back. The past is the past, and your an EX for a reason. I have been out of this relationship for a very long time. Regardless of the length that I have been out of this relationship, for some reason my ex, and I still have somewhat of contact.

This weekend a text came through, "lets hang out." (this text was from my ex) Ok I was not doing much, I planned on partying, and shopping. Just enjoying my crew. I replied OK, what did you have in mind? He replies " I don't know, It is on you." I am very creative, and I come up with some of the most out of the world events. Let's go have unlimited sangria, and some good Brazilain food. He replies "cool, meet me at my house at 8 PM. Done. Date is set. I throw on a black dress, and some causal accessories, with some heels.

We go eat, drink laugh and great conversation. It was a cool evening. As we are driving back to his house (because that is where I left my car) I am borderline falling asleep. He looks over at me, and tells me how beautiful I look. I am flattered, but it semi means nothing to me. I smile and say thanks. He goes on to tell me how much he misses me, and he has never since dated someone as outgoing and down as I. I explain to him I understand, but I encourage him to continue to date, and look around. ( I believe there is someone for everyone) We pull up to the house. For whatever reason I had to go in his house. I go in for a quick second. I have no alterior motives. I just needed to wash my hands, and I was ready to go home.

I wash my hands, and I turn to leave. He is now in his room. He calls for me to come to his room, as he lights a candle. I go into his room but I do not put two and two together. He lays out on the bed, and pulls the "come here"I look at him, and I say " ummm no I am going to go home, I am not sure what you have planned, but I am going to go ahead and go home." He looks at me in a confused manner. But he respected my decision. I walk to the door, and I tell him thank you for tonight, and I kiss him on the cheek.

During the ride home, I ask myself was he trying to have SEX with me. I get home I lay down on my couch, I see I have 3 unread text messages. The first text reads "so your too good for me?" the second text reads "any other girl would have been all over this" the third text reads " I am looking for a girl who is a bitch, and a freak."

* Discuss*

I want opinions, and thoughts.

The Ex Factor

   As a woman do we ever wonder how the hell do we meet certain men? What about me attracts this type of man? Or why is this the type of man I always meet? I was always told you are who you attract; is this true? Relationships/ Dating it can all be very tricky. 

   People always show us who they are in the beginning; however we always make up excuses because we do not want to accept that this is who the person is! It is interesting how men sell woman a dream. They hype themselves up, and tell all these extravagant lies. When it boils down to the true person, he is not who he said he was, nor is his life as extravagant as he described it to be. This normally happens during the "getting to know you phase." I cannot understand why people cannot be real about who they are; why cant people accept their life? At the end of the day you have to live with yourself, so why not accept who you are and embrace it. 

    About a year ago I met a young man who swept me off my feet! He was everything I needed/wanted. His personality was fantastic as well as his looks. He was a perfect gentleman he approached me with class, he was proper, it was perfect.  I met this young man in D.C. and we lived in the same town in North Carolina. It was perfect for the two of us to link up, date, and get to know each other. He spoke about his life, he had  a five year plan everything was going great! 

  The was a small difference between he, and most guys I dated. He was really into church.. Hey no biggie I was glad he LOVED church.  I knew from him talking that he has a very close relationship with his pastor. This was good, he even told me he spoke to his pastor about me, and his pastor wanted to meet me. ( Pause not a comfortable feeling for me) Ok I was excited to go to his church and meet his pastor and church family. He finally extends the invitation to attend his church. He and I talked for about three months before he extended the invitation. 

I get dressed, and I call my line sisters, school friends everyone. Can someone please go to this church with me. Everyone says NO! Ok I bite the bullet and I go. I made sure my skirt was knee length, I wore normal high heels, I made sure everything was on point. I get to the church it is small maybe like 30 members. everyone knows everyone. Darn, so I walk in and everybody wants to know who I am and who invited me. I tell them they look me up and down and they Oh ok! I have a seat and I moved three different times. The more, and more I move the closer I am to the front. the pastor preaches and church ends! I look for my friend he is having a conversation with someone else. OK  I will wait I think to myself, then he leaves!!!

 Wait my mind is racing did he just leave church without speaking to me or acknowledging that I am there? No this cannot be happening, I wait around for like five more minutes and he does not come back. I was hoping he and I were going to go do brunch or something after church, none of the above occur.  I never meet the pastor, I leave the church and head home.  I receive a text later that day from the young man stating " Hey I wanted to speak to you, but I was really under the spirit." 

I continued to talk to this young man for  a couple of more months, and I went back to his church and he didnt speak. After a while I gave up, I dont believe in the chasing game; life is too short to chase anyone. To this day I still have the unanswered question as to why he did not speak to me in church.

* Why do you think he didnt speak to me in church? 

Brief Update

I need to re-do this blog.. I need to add some spice to it! I need to be more of a consistent blogger. I know that I recently wrote a post, stating that I would blog more often. To be honest I have started so many stories, but I have yet to finish or post the stories. They are sitting in my folder waiting to be finished. Maybe I am being lazy! I have no excuse for not publishing those stories.

Now that 2010 is here I am going to work on becoming a successful blogger. I first have to start with changing the blogs appearance, and I must come up with the focus that I want my blog to have. The purpose of my writing. I will be working on changing the blog around for the next two weeks. The week of January 20th I will be finished with the construction of the blog and I will be able to focus on the writing.

I look forward to reading your comments, and getting to know you all better January 20, 2010..

Miss. Alasha