When it hurts so bad

I had my mind up, I was not going to New York to visit anyone. It was my senior year of college. I was doing me, and enjoying my life! my ex wanted me to fly to New York for the weekend. He kept saying it was urgent, and "we" needed to talk about some things! Needless to say he bought a plane ticket for me to fly up on Friday night, and fly out on Sunday. He text, and called me everyday until I told him I was going to come. I gave in, shit all of the phone calls and text messages were getting on my nerves. We were officially done, but we semi kept in touch. I still harbored feelings for him.
I played with the situation in my head days before I left North Carolina. What did "we" have to talk about that was so important. I was going to NY, in the middle of mid-terms, however I did need a little break from the South. This didn't sound like such a bad idea to get away. But still he was an ex boyfriend! At this point in my life we still had minimal contact. I still had feelings for him, but I was never in LOVE! We were friends, I packed everything I could think of, and had a hair appointment on Thursday "I always have to look fly going to NY." You know you have to make sure your ex knows what he is missing! (everyone has tried to be fly when seeing an ex) Everything was packed, I was ready to go! My roommate brought me to the airport, we are sitting in the car ridding, all of a sudden my roommate looks at me and says " yo are you sure you want to go visit him.?" I look at her and I say yes! What is the worse that can happen? She ignores me, as I get out the car she looks at me and says I have a bad feeling about you going to NY.

Bad feeling... I am thinking the worse! I hate when people give you their thoughts and opinions on something that you are already second guessing. I check in, and slowly walk to my gate. I send him a text that says " at the airport." I pull out my crossword puzzle book, and wait for my flight to get called. I never got a response text to the text I sent him. I think that's weird. OK whatever! Hop on the plane and take an hour and a half nap!
I land in the concrete jungle, and I grab my luggage.. I call to find out where the he is! He says "I'm on my way, calm down." Cool... twenty minutes later, he shows up at the airport. I am beyond hungry, and all I can think of is the food I am going to eat in NY. He asks me what I want to eat, I say Italian. He is like cool.. We go to Harlem, I take my shower prep for the evening and we are off.. I get dressed, and we go to this Italian restaurant. ( I don't remember the name) We sit down to eat, I order some wine, he orders some hard liquor. I begin to drink, we talk... Damn I feel like there is something about his personality that I miss. it makes me question myself, "Do I want that old thing back." The conversation is going great. I ask, "what was sooo important that you had to see me? He says I wanted to see your pretty face. (awkward silence)

He says no I have to tell you something; and I wouldn't feel right if I didn't do this face to face." He looks up, he gives me this look. Nooooo, I know this look, but I don't know this look. This is the nervous look. He reaches across the table and places his hand on mine. I give him my hands to hold! he looks me dead in my eyes, he stares and takes a deep breath! I look into his face, he has my attention.. He starts off with these lines I will never forget. " I do not care about what anyone thinks, but I give a fuck about your opinion." He breaks the news, I pull my hands back, I put them on the table, I am fighting tears, I try my hardest not to cry. At that moment I let go, and I learned about life, and the heart aches, and heart breaks.

*Fin*

_ Ill never tell you all what he told me, It honestly is not that serious, but that day, and that very moment I learned that everyone cannot be trusted. I was gullible, I have learned and grown so much in my life. That day hurt so bad, but without that bump/bruise I wouldn't be who I am today.

The Struggle

Why can't we accept things for what they are? Why do people always sugar coat the truth. Is it because we do not want to hurt peoples feelings? If someone is wrong, or if something is wrong we should vocalize it. Life is so much better when people are honest and truthful. We as a society or people but band aids over everything. If something happens we just try and patch it up and keep it moving. We live on the forget about it system. Aren't we all tired of just patching things up and not really working on things? If situations do not work let it go! Why should we as people waste our time on things. We can never get a minute wasted back, so if we cant get the minute wasted back, why even bother wasting it? I guess we all have to live and learn. When we wait on things, we miss out on endless opportunities. Sometimes a missed opportunity we can never get back. Then we spend our lives wondering what our lives would have been like if we seized the opportunity that was before us. Remember we only get "ONE" life to live. Don't dwell on what you cannot control, but remember everything happens for a reason, and sometimes the reason of why something happened will never be revealed to us. Life your life based on you, and no one else.

* Fin*

The purpose of this quick rant was because I found myself drifting this week and thinking about some decisions, I did not make. My life has a path, and so does yours. However, I cannot sit here and dwell on opportunities I did not take advantage of. I often wonder what life would have been like if I stayed in N.C? Or what if I did apply to the grad program at NYU. Its water under the bridge. I now have new opportunities to take advantage of. Live your life for you, because no one is else doing it.

Dreams are REAL!!!

For a while I have been thinking about my goals in college, that all came true. How did I get this dreams to come true? I wrote them down, looked at them and prayed about them. So many of us have goals, however we do not follow through. (NOT GOOD) We (including myself) have got to learn how to get goals accomplished. Talking about what you want to do will always be a dream, because you have never placed it in writing. When you place your goals in writing its like something magical happens, you become a step closer to making your dreams become a reality. Write the goals down and pray. Ask God to give you the strength each and everyday to work hard toward that goal. The harder you work towards the goal the easier it will be for you to get there.



There are so many dream killers out here it is crazy. You cannot share your dreams, goals or thoughts with everyone. Sometime family members can be dream killers, I know it is scary to think that, but it is true. Family members can be HATERS to... Know and understand your worth, and do not allow anyone to tell you, you are less than what you really are. Everything in life is about confidence. How confident are you when you walk out the door? Confidence always sells people, they do not have to know that you may not fully have everything together. If you can sell yourself and or product people may invest in you, or your product. You never know who is watching, and what they are watching for. For now on Live life and Love it!!! I'm sure we all have curve balls, and speed bumps and life, take it as a lesson learned and enjoy who you are...



With all of this said I hope this really helps someone.... .Life is so much fun when you know and understand your worth.. I am preparing myself for a bigger picture, and I am starting with my goals...



Remember: Follow your dreams, or you will work for somebody that did!!



* Be blessed, and enjoy your day.