Relationship Shit

This relationship shit is really starting to get to me. As I take a look at all my friends entering these "serious relationships" I question what the hell is wrong with me? Yes about a month and a half ago I blogged about not wanting a relationship, and not wanting to force myself into something. However, these thoughts have changed. I am finding myself wanting a relationship, wanting to be with someone. Wanting that companionship. I will not front, I am semi- questioning myself, trying to figure out he, or she pulled him or her.

Am I extremely picky? Why should I have to settle? I have certain qualities I want in my mate. I am well aware that I am not going to find someone who has all of these qualities, and I am cool with that. But if I met a guy, and he doesn't have the key qualities I am looking for, am I settling? I have met some extremely cool women in my time, and they have been SUPER single. I believe in all that hype "there's someone out there for everyone." When I met these single women who are older, I question "damn did she really meet the dream guy, and blow it?" Trust me I do not want to be the chick who meets the great guy, but blows it because he did not match up to my standards. People tell me all the time that I am going to meet a nice guy single guy. For some reason I don't believe them! I have met some great guys recently!!! ( I say that with so much enthusiasm) The downfall to these great guys is they have girlfriends. All I can say is they have some lucky ass girlfriends! I would LOVE to date a guy who would be my best friend/companion/soulmate.

I am not writing to complain about the lack of men, or the lack of men's qualities. That independent women shit is looong over for me. I want someone to build with. I know relationships can be overrated (so I've heard) My next relationship will not be overrated. It is going to be the SHIT (in a good way).

In the meantime I will focus on myself, and my future, as well as working on my goals so when I met the man of my dreams in his eyes I will be the most ambitious, beautiful, flyest, funniest, and all of the above and more woman he has ever met. A quote I will never forget one of my good friends told me this weekend. " Why settle for the basement apartment, when you can get a mansion."

* Are you settling? Have you settling? Do you want a relationship? Is being single overrated?

Random Facts about me

Fun questions

First major splurge purchase?

- I haven't Splurged yet, But It is going to be a trip to France, or London Summer of 2011.

What would those close to you say is your favorite personal item to wear? (something they see you in often)

- I have two... A sweater, and a scarf.

What's one thing you put in every handbag?

-Lip Gloss. I once resorted to putting lotion on my lips when I forgot it and it was a dire situation. *shudders*

Silver or Gold?

-Silver

Flats or Heels?

- Flats

Gloss or Lipstick?

-Gloss

Coffee or Tea?

-Tea

Cake or Pie?

-Not a big sweets eater, but Cake I guess

PC or MAC?

-MAC

Books or Magazines?

-Books

Colored Nails or Naturally Beautiful?

-Colored Nails

Early Riser, or Late Riser?

-Early Riser

Apartment or House?

-Apartment

SUV/Truck or Cute Car?

-Cute Car

Favorite TV shows?

The Cosby Show, Martin, Law and Order

Favorite Blogs?

-entirely too many to name honestly

Favorite Real Housewives series?

-New York & Atlanta

Favorite City to visit?

- So far I have to say D.C.

Cheating

I believe that when one decides he/she is going to start a relationship, or think about dating they should discuss "there" definition of cheating. Everyone has a different definition of cheating, and I think it is important to put that definition out there so people know.

Can a person cheat in their mind? Can you be in a monogamous relationship, however have thoughts of things you want to do to with someone else who is not your mate? This things may not even be things you ever think about doing with your mate. Would this be considered cheating? I do not believe so. I do believe that your mind sometimes can lead you into trouble. Once you begin to think about what you want to do with someone; your thoughts change and you decide you want to take action upon the thoughts.

Last week I sat on a relationships panel in Brooklyn, NY. A friend of mine was hosting a panel, and he said it wouldn't be right if I did not sit on the panel. There were interesting topics that were discussed, but what stood out to me the most was when we were on the topic of cheating. I blocked everything out, and began to write things down and take notes. What hit me the hardest was a young lady who stood up and stated these facts. " What makes a person committed to you, if there is no ring and no actual commitment where does monogamy come in at? I thought about this statement. It blew my mind. I started to think about my past relationships, and other peoples relationships. The scary thing about what this audience member said was it was not the first time I heard these exact words.

In your twenties are you suppose to be in a relationship? Or are you suppose to have fun, and learn lessons in life? People who are young, and have been in long relationships worry me. They worry me because they do not really get to feel what it is like to be single. If they marry that person, the older they get the desire to cheat becomes more tempting. Because they really never had the opportunity to live and enjoy there twenties. People who stay in long relationships, and become single worry me because they have tendencies to be a "good catch" but they always let you know they want to have sex with you, but not a relationships.

I am a believer that we date to find out what we want in life, and what we are willing to not settle for. When we date we look at peoples characteristics to see what type of mate we are going to marry. What kind of personality do you want him/her to have?

To concluded this post I look at my relationship resume, and wonder how many of my relationships were actually monogamous. Did I ever do something to my mate that he would have considered unfaithful? Did he do anything that I would have considered him being unfaithful? How do you know your in a faithful relationship? Are you cheating in your mind and you don't even know it? Are daydreaming about what you want to do with someone else, and not even realizing that while your dreaming about someone else, you are loosing in your relationship?

Dreams

I remember Ashanti had this song on her first self titled album called "dream" and the chrous went "dreams are real, all you have to do is just believe." I wonder how many people have dreams and have never achieved anything they wanted. What is a dream? What is a goal? How do you achieve what you want to do?

I am a firm believer that in life you can do anything that you put your mind to, and the only thing that can hold you back is you. I have met so many people who have expressed there goals, and have stated there are things they want to do in life. When I ask them what steps they are actively taking to achieve those goals they have no answer. Why do people allow there dreams to become deferred? Does fear take over ones mind? We as a society become so complacent and accepting for whatever is currently taking place in our lives. We then get mad at others around us, who have positive things going for them.

I am a pusher.. If I care about someone and I believe in there passion, I am going to push them to become successful. Do what you believe in. Make yourself happy. You only get one shot at life. Why not make it worth your while. Sometimes, we have to remove ourselves from everyone, and everything. When removing yourself from the world for a day or so, you come back and feel refreshed. The purpose of removing yourself is to do some soul searching. Spend some time with yourself get to know yourself a little better. Think about where you currently are, where you want to be, and how you are going to get there. This should be done in all aspects of life. It may sound weird, but soul searching is important. Sometimes you think you know yourself, but you really don't until you spend time by yourself with yourself.

Every goal I wanted to accomplish during my undergraduate years I accomplished it. I am a believer in vision boards, and looking at your vision everyday. When you see your vision everyday you are more likely to succeed, and do what you vision yourself doing. I thank everyone who has /is supporting me in my goals. Since, you are supporting me I will do what I have set out to do. Our conversations have helped, and I will not let you all down. Thank You sooo much for being in my corner. Trust me, when I get there I will put you all on. I cannot do this by myself.

*FIn

Playing House

Why are we so against couples living together? What is wrong with a boyfriend and girlfriend choosing to live together, even if they are not married? They say you never really know a person until you live with them. So why is living with someone before marriage so wrong?

I've heard people say that it is not good to live with your significant other before marriage because you will be giving that man "wifey" benefits, and you guys are not married. What would make that man want to marry you, when nothing is going to change but a title? So if you two are already playing house, what should come next?

Suppose you play house, and you two do not workout? What happens? How do you move on? As a society why are people so against a couple moving in together? What are the procedures for moving in with your significant other? Do you have to ask the father? What if you move in with someone and realize they are not who you thought they were? Do you move out, or do you try to make it work? Ultimately what do you get out of playing house? What do you gain, and what do you lose? If in the event that relationship doesn't workout what happens in your next relationship?

Marriage

Prepping for my Sorority Sisters weddings.. I am uber excited, and I cannot wait for these chicas to get married. One of my girls who happens to be the "Maid of Honor" actually does not like the man my Sorority sister is about to spend the rest of her life with. So this conversation I said to my Sorority Sister, that does not matter you are not marrying the man. She agreed, however this conversation made me wonder how many people have stopped talking, or dating someone because there best friend or someone did/ or does not like that person? Have people really cut people off because of someone not liking the person you are dating? How many people would be un-happy, and lonely in life, if they were always worried about what someone else thought about there "significant other?" Personally I do not need someone else's approval to help me determine who I like, or who I want to date. I never ask my friends the questions like "is he cute? What did you think? As a matter of fact I hate when people ask me those questions.

Be happy with the skin your in.. Enjoy whoever you have in life, some people are bitter, some people are jealous because they want what you have.

*FIN.

Writers Block

Damn, I am in the process of trying to write a story. The words are not flowing right tonight, I am kind of disappointed in myself. I guess I have a lot of things on my mind. I have a lot of things going on that are unanswered questions. I am working on a long-term project as well as trying to make my next move my best move. I am looking at my life, and my goals and where I want to be in the next year and a half. I am trying to make sure that I have all of ducks aligned properly. I am going to try and post this same story that I started several times tomorrow...

Quick Quote

You must be unintimidated by your own thoughts because if you write with someone looking over you shoulder, you’ll never write.

Nikki Giovanni

When it hurts so bad

I had my mind up, I was not going to New York to visit anyone. It was my senior year of college. I was doing me, and enjoying my life! my ex wanted me to fly to New York for the weekend. He kept saying it was urgent, and "we" needed to talk about some things! Needless to say he bought a plane ticket for me to fly up on Friday night, and fly out on Sunday. He text, and called me everyday until I told him I was going to come. I gave in, shit all of the phone calls and text messages were getting on my nerves. We were officially done, but we semi kept in touch. I still harbored feelings for him.
I played with the situation in my head days before I left North Carolina. What did "we" have to talk about that was so important. I was going to NY, in the middle of mid-terms, however I did need a little break from the South. This didn't sound like such a bad idea to get away. But still he was an ex boyfriend! At this point in my life we still had minimal contact. I still had feelings for him, but I was never in LOVE! We were friends, I packed everything I could think of, and had a hair appointment on Thursday "I always have to look fly going to NY." You know you have to make sure your ex knows what he is missing! (everyone has tried to be fly when seeing an ex) Everything was packed, I was ready to go! My roommate brought me to the airport, we are sitting in the car ridding, all of a sudden my roommate looks at me and says " yo are you sure you want to go visit him.?" I look at her and I say yes! What is the worse that can happen? She ignores me, as I get out the car she looks at me and says I have a bad feeling about you going to NY.

Bad feeling... I am thinking the worse! I hate when people give you their thoughts and opinions on something that you are already second guessing. I check in, and slowly walk to my gate. I send him a text that says " at the airport." I pull out my crossword puzzle book, and wait for my flight to get called. I never got a response text to the text I sent him. I think that's weird. OK whatever! Hop on the plane and take an hour and a half nap!
I land in the concrete jungle, and I grab my luggage.. I call to find out where the he is! He says "I'm on my way, calm down." Cool... twenty minutes later, he shows up at the airport. I am beyond hungry, and all I can think of is the food I am going to eat in NY. He asks me what I want to eat, I say Italian. He is like cool.. We go to Harlem, I take my shower prep for the evening and we are off.. I get dressed, and we go to this Italian restaurant. ( I don't remember the name) We sit down to eat, I order some wine, he orders some hard liquor. I begin to drink, we talk... Damn I feel like there is something about his personality that I miss. it makes me question myself, "Do I want that old thing back." The conversation is going great. I ask, "what was sooo important that you had to see me? He says I wanted to see your pretty face. (awkward silence)

He says no I have to tell you something; and I wouldn't feel right if I didn't do this face to face." He looks up, he gives me this look. Nooooo, I know this look, but I don't know this look. This is the nervous look. He reaches across the table and places his hand on mine. I give him my hands to hold! he looks me dead in my eyes, he stares and takes a deep breath! I look into his face, he has my attention.. He starts off with these lines I will never forget. " I do not care about what anyone thinks, but I give a fuck about your opinion." He breaks the news, I pull my hands back, I put them on the table, I am fighting tears, I try my hardest not to cry. At that moment I let go, and I learned about life, and the heart aches, and heart breaks.

*Fin*

_ Ill never tell you all what he told me, It honestly is not that serious, but that day, and that very moment I learned that everyone cannot be trusted. I was gullible, I have learned and grown so much in my life. That day hurt so bad, but without that bump/bruise I wouldn't be who I am today.

The Struggle

Why can't we accept things for what they are? Why do people always sugar coat the truth. Is it because we do not want to hurt peoples feelings? If someone is wrong, or if something is wrong we should vocalize it. Life is so much better when people are honest and truthful. We as a society or people but band aids over everything. If something happens we just try and patch it up and keep it moving. We live on the forget about it system. Aren't we all tired of just patching things up and not really working on things? If situations do not work let it go! Why should we as people waste our time on things. We can never get a minute wasted back, so if we cant get the minute wasted back, why even bother wasting it? I guess we all have to live and learn. When we wait on things, we miss out on endless opportunities. Sometimes a missed opportunity we can never get back. Then we spend our lives wondering what our lives would have been like if we seized the opportunity that was before us. Remember we only get "ONE" life to live. Don't dwell on what you cannot control, but remember everything happens for a reason, and sometimes the reason of why something happened will never be revealed to us. Life your life based on you, and no one else.

* Fin*

The purpose of this quick rant was because I found myself drifting this week and thinking about some decisions, I did not make. My life has a path, and so does yours. However, I cannot sit here and dwell on opportunities I did not take advantage of. I often wonder what life would have been like if I stayed in N.C? Or what if I did apply to the grad program at NYU. Its water under the bridge. I now have new opportunities to take advantage of. Live your life for you, because no one is else doing it.

Why The World is Single.

I haven't had a serious relationship in a while, and when I say a while I say a couple of years. I am cool with that. I am not seriously looking for a relationship. I am enjoying my twenties. It would be nice to have someone to build with, or to have someone to share my accomplishments with. But that is not where my life has placed me. As people, we get so caught up with others, and with what others have, we question where we are, and what we are doing, and why we do not have the things others have, such as love and relationships. We all have different walks in life. Looking at others, can cause us to make impulsive decisions because it looks good to others. I have seen and met so many people who are unhappily in a relationship. When did being single become such a bad thing? Whenever I meet a guy for the first time, we go on a couple of dates and we play the getting to know each other phase I am always asked the question why am I single?

Sometimes we need to be single so we can become familiar with ourselves. How can we share ourselves with someone else, if we are still trying to figure out who we are? Or if we do not even know who we are? Love is not as simple as it seems, love is a little more complex, then we think. I believe we as human beings should stop being so uptight and just live life. That is a problem we all have. We are so scared of getting hurt. Everything is a learning experience, and getting hurt is part of the process. We learn from the scars, and bruises.

I think so many of us are single, because we are scared of getting hurt. It is about the memories that make life. Think about how many memories you had with other people, and think about how you felt at that moment. If that person hurt you, that is the past. you learned from that situation. Never allow fear to come between the life you live. You may miss out on something that was a great thing, because of fear.

* Why do you think the world is single? What is the difference between love, lust and convenience? ( I need to know for a topic I am working on)

That's How You Feel.

I said I was not going to write about this situation. However, in order for me to move on and forget about the situation I must vent this out! I consider myself to be respectable, as well as a classy young lady.

This weekend I found myself relapsing in all of the wrong ways. I always said I want nothing to do with any of my ex- boyfriends. I do not like going back. The past is the past, and your an EX for a reason. I have been out of this relationship for a very long time. Regardless of the length that I have been out of this relationship, for some reason my ex, and I still have somewhat of contact.

This weekend a text came through, "lets hang out." (this text was from my ex) Ok I was not doing much, I planned on partying, and shopping. Just enjoying my crew. I replied OK, what did you have in mind? He replies " I don't know, It is on you." I am very creative, and I come up with some of the most out of the world events. Let's go have unlimited sangria, and some good Brazilain food. He replies "cool, meet me at my house at 8 PM. Done. Date is set. I throw on a black dress, and some causal accessories, with some heels.

We go eat, drink laugh and great conversation. It was a cool evening. As we are driving back to his house (because that is where I left my car) I am borderline falling asleep. He looks over at me, and tells me how beautiful I look. I am flattered, but it semi means nothing to me. I smile and say thanks. He goes on to tell me how much he misses me, and he has never since dated someone as outgoing and down as I. I explain to him I understand, but I encourage him to continue to date, and look around. ( I believe there is someone for everyone) We pull up to the house. For whatever reason I had to go in his house. I go in for a quick second. I have no alterior motives. I just needed to wash my hands, and I was ready to go home.

I wash my hands, and I turn to leave. He is now in his room. He calls for me to come to his room, as he lights a candle. I go into his room but I do not put two and two together. He lays out on the bed, and pulls the "come here"I look at him, and I say " ummm no I am going to go home, I am not sure what you have planned, but I am going to go ahead and go home." He looks at me in a confused manner. But he respected my decision. I walk to the door, and I tell him thank you for tonight, and I kiss him on the cheek.

During the ride home, I ask myself was he trying to have SEX with me. I get home I lay down on my couch, I see I have 3 unread text messages. The first text reads "so your too good for me?" the second text reads "any other girl would have been all over this" the third text reads " I am looking for a girl who is a bitch, and a freak."

* Discuss*

I want opinions, and thoughts.

The Ex Factor

   As a woman do we ever wonder how the hell do we meet certain men? What about me attracts this type of man? Or why is this the type of man I always meet? I was always told you are who you attract; is this true? Relationships/ Dating it can all be very tricky. 

   People always show us who they are in the beginning; however we always make up excuses because we do not want to accept that this is who the person is! It is interesting how men sell woman a dream. They hype themselves up, and tell all these extravagant lies. When it boils down to the true person, he is not who he said he was, nor is his life as extravagant as he described it to be. This normally happens during the "getting to know you phase." I cannot understand why people cannot be real about who they are; why cant people accept their life? At the end of the day you have to live with yourself, so why not accept who you are and embrace it. 

    About a year ago I met a young man who swept me off my feet! He was everything I needed/wanted. His personality was fantastic as well as his looks. He was a perfect gentleman he approached me with class, he was proper, it was perfect.  I met this young man in D.C. and we lived in the same town in North Carolina. It was perfect for the two of us to link up, date, and get to know each other. He spoke about his life, he had  a five year plan everything was going great! 

  The was a small difference between he, and most guys I dated. He was really into church.. Hey no biggie I was glad he LOVED church.  I knew from him talking that he has a very close relationship with his pastor. This was good, he even told me he spoke to his pastor about me, and his pastor wanted to meet me. ( Pause not a comfortable feeling for me) Ok I was excited to go to his church and meet his pastor and church family. He finally extends the invitation to attend his church. He and I talked for about three months before he extended the invitation. 

I get dressed, and I call my line sisters, school friends everyone. Can someone please go to this church with me. Everyone says NO! Ok I bite the bullet and I go. I made sure my skirt was knee length, I wore normal high heels, I made sure everything was on point. I get to the church it is small maybe like 30 members. everyone knows everyone. Darn, so I walk in and everybody wants to know who I am and who invited me. I tell them they look me up and down and they Oh ok! I have a seat and I moved three different times. The more, and more I move the closer I am to the front. the pastor preaches and church ends! I look for my friend he is having a conversation with someone else. OK  I will wait I think to myself, then he leaves!!!

 Wait my mind is racing did he just leave church without speaking to me or acknowledging that I am there? No this cannot be happening, I wait around for like five more minutes and he does not come back. I was hoping he and I were going to go do brunch or something after church, none of the above occur.  I never meet the pastor, I leave the church and head home.  I receive a text later that day from the young man stating " Hey I wanted to speak to you, but I was really under the spirit." 

I continued to talk to this young man for  a couple of more months, and I went back to his church and he didnt speak. After a while I gave up, I dont believe in the chasing game; life is too short to chase anyone. To this day I still have the unanswered question as to why he did not speak to me in church.

* Why do you think he didnt speak to me in church? 

Brief Update

I need to re-do this blog.. I need to add some spice to it! I need to be more of a consistent blogger. I know that I recently wrote a post, stating that I would blog more often. To be honest I have started so many stories, but I have yet to finish or post the stories. They are sitting in my folder waiting to be finished. Maybe I am being lazy! I have no excuse for not publishing those stories.

Now that 2010 is here I am going to work on becoming a successful blogger. I first have to start with changing the blogs appearance, and I must come up with the focus that I want my blog to have. The purpose of my writing. I will be working on changing the blog around for the next two weeks. The week of January 20th I will be finished with the construction of the blog and I will be able to focus on the writing.

I look forward to reading your comments, and getting to know you all better January 20, 2010..

Miss. Alasha