Trying to make the right decision.

Everyone says your past should stay your past. Why do we allow ourselves to go back to our ex-boyfriends/girlfriends? Why is it so hard to move on from people? Let go and move the fuck on. I honestly need to take this as some personal advice.

2004 I dated "big" (that is going to be his alias). I was seventeen years old, and he was twenty years old. I liked him, in all honesty he is the reason why I went to college. He was older, I learned a lot from him. He taught me the true definition of a gentleman. Life became real, my age came into play. We didn't work out! I went away to college, he and I kept in touch. I was young, he needed a young lady who was going to be able to give a little more than what I could at the time. I was in high school and he was in college. Long story short he played me, I found out we broke up. Regardless of the situation that took place between the two of us, I still had this strong attraction to him. I dated, moved on and so did he. We kept in touch, but it was nothing serious.

Fast forward to my currently life. Here he is! In my life like hip hop. ( if you know me you know I love hip hop) I can honestly say I have dated other men, and hung out with other men. However, I have never had a connection like how he and I connect. He makes me happy, makes me laugh, allows me to be me. He is a straight up gentleman! He corrects me when I am wrong, he calls me at 6 in the morning to tell I am beautiful and to have a great day at work. He will send me a text to make me laugh, and lets me know he is thinking of me during the day. I can admit this may be "game. If he calls or text messages me I get butterflies. I get girlie.

He makes me happy, he likes me, he thinks about me daily, he also believes in my dreams, and wants me to achieve my goals in life, and he lets me know that I am a positive impact in his life. He is sincere about everything he says I love it.

Although he sounds like he is the ideal guy, he has kidS. With separate women. He has told me in more ways then one he wants to be with me, long term. But he wants to know if I am ready and up for the commitment of playing "step mommy." Children I hate to say it, but it is baggage. It is a serious commitment. When you date a person with kids, you are in a relationship with the kids also. You are not only building a relationship with him, but you have to work on building a relationship with the kidS. Everyone who I have run this situation by they have all said "NO" do not do it. But are they taking all of these factors in to consideration? Do they understand and realize he is making me happy. He cares about me, and my feelings. I mean what if this guy and I are really meant to be together, and I listen to what everyone else is saying, and I walk away from him. Then what? what happens?

Should we really care about other peoples opinions and thoughts? People say to me I can do so much better, I have so much going on. They tell me I am settling. Am I settling? Or am I accepting a person for who they are? When you date a person aren't you accepting them for who they are? When you accept a person you are accepting them flaws and all. So should I not accept him with what he has with him? Is it truly unfair to me? What do you think I should do? Remember most things are easier said then done.

Venting/Rant.

Lately I feel like I have been stuck in a box. I want more out of life, I want to do more. I feel stuck, I feel like I cannot do more. I feel like I cannot go farther. I feel like a car stuck in the mud. I have lost all of drive. I cannot tell you where it has gone. In the beginning I felt like I was distracted. Now I feel like I no longer have the drive to do more.

I think I feel like this because I have a fear of being rejected. I try my hardest to surround myself with positive people. However I have a very negative father. My father does not support me or anything I want to do. Deep, I know. The things he thinks of me, and says to me could be heartbreaking to someone. I have learned to deal with it. Allow me to ask this question if someone told you everyday you were a failure and you were shit. Would you believe them? Or would you try your hardest to remove yourself from there negativity? Personally I know I need to remove all negative views, opinions, people out of my life.

The first step for me will be do to remove myself from a negative atmosphere. I must focus on moving out of my parents house, getting into law school, and focusing on my focus. I am going to set some goals for myself for the next coming months. I need a real beach vacation. I need to go back to Miami. I need to remove myself from the outside world, and put some things in perspective. I need to do better. They say the first step is admitting there are issues. I am admitting I need to pull myself together. I am now addicted to chocolate. Chocolate is filling a void I have in my life. Chocolate makes me happy.

Tomorrow is going to be a new day for me. I want to start everything over, a clean slate. I am not going to hold any grudges. I am going to start blogging on a regular, and I am going to try my hardest to get back on track.

* Please forgive me, I know this post is all over the place. I normally do not write like this, but I am venting. And I have to blog this bull shit out.

Writing

I really want to write. I feel like my mind is not where it should be. I have sooooo many distractions, and I need to find some type of motivation, which is what I am currently lacking. Once I find the motivation to write I will do so. I hope you all are well, and you will hear from me soon.

Relationship Shit

This relationship shit is really starting to get to me. As I take a look at all my friends entering these "serious relationships" I question what the hell is wrong with me? Yes about a month and a half ago I blogged about not wanting a relationship, and not wanting to force myself into something. However, these thoughts have changed. I am finding myself wanting a relationship, wanting to be with someone. Wanting that companionship. I will not front, I am semi- questioning myself, trying to figure out he, or she pulled him or her.

Am I extremely picky? Why should I have to settle? I have certain qualities I want in my mate. I am well aware that I am not going to find someone who has all of these qualities, and I am cool with that. But if I met a guy, and he doesn't have the key qualities I am looking for, am I settling? I have met some extremely cool women in my time, and they have been SUPER single. I believe in all that hype "there's someone out there for everyone." When I met these single women who are older, I question "damn did she really meet the dream guy, and blow it?" Trust me I do not want to be the chick who meets the great guy, but blows it because he did not match up to my standards. People tell me all the time that I am going to meet a nice guy single guy. For some reason I don't believe them! I have met some great guys recently!!! ( I say that with so much enthusiasm) The downfall to these great guys is they have girlfriends. All I can say is they have some lucky ass girlfriends! I would LOVE to date a guy who would be my best friend/companion/soulmate.

I am not writing to complain about the lack of men, or the lack of men's qualities. That independent women shit is looong over for me. I want someone to build with. I know relationships can be overrated (so I've heard) My next relationship will not be overrated. It is going to be the SHIT (in a good way).

In the meantime I will focus on myself, and my future, as well as working on my goals so when I met the man of my dreams in his eyes I will be the most ambitious, beautiful, flyest, funniest, and all of the above and more woman he has ever met. A quote I will never forget one of my good friends told me this weekend. " Why settle for the basement apartment, when you can get a mansion."

* Are you settling? Have you settling? Do you want a relationship? Is being single overrated?

Random Facts about me

Fun questions

First major splurge purchase?

- I haven't Splurged yet, But It is going to be a trip to France, or London Summer of 2011.

What would those close to you say is your favorite personal item to wear? (something they see you in often)

- I have two... A sweater, and a scarf.

What's one thing you put in every handbag?

-Lip Gloss. I once resorted to putting lotion on my lips when I forgot it and it was a dire situation. *shudders*

Silver or Gold?

-Silver

Flats or Heels?

- Flats

Gloss or Lipstick?

-Gloss

Coffee or Tea?

-Tea

Cake or Pie?

-Not a big sweets eater, but Cake I guess

PC or MAC?

-MAC

Books or Magazines?

-Books

Colored Nails or Naturally Beautiful?

-Colored Nails

Early Riser, or Late Riser?

-Early Riser

Apartment or House?

-Apartment

SUV/Truck or Cute Car?

-Cute Car

Favorite TV shows?

The Cosby Show, Martin, Law and Order

Favorite Blogs?

-entirely too many to name honestly

Favorite Real Housewives series?

-New York & Atlanta

Favorite City to visit?

- So far I have to say D.C.

Cheating

I believe that when one decides he/she is going to start a relationship, or think about dating they should discuss "there" definition of cheating. Everyone has a different definition of cheating, and I think it is important to put that definition out there so people know.

Can a person cheat in their mind? Can you be in a monogamous relationship, however have thoughts of things you want to do to with someone else who is not your mate? This things may not even be things you ever think about doing with your mate. Would this be considered cheating? I do not believe so. I do believe that your mind sometimes can lead you into trouble. Once you begin to think about what you want to do with someone; your thoughts change and you decide you want to take action upon the thoughts.

Last week I sat on a relationships panel in Brooklyn, NY. A friend of mine was hosting a panel, and he said it wouldn't be right if I did not sit on the panel. There were interesting topics that were discussed, but what stood out to me the most was when we were on the topic of cheating. I blocked everything out, and began to write things down and take notes. What hit me the hardest was a young lady who stood up and stated these facts. " What makes a person committed to you, if there is no ring and no actual commitment where does monogamy come in at? I thought about this statement. It blew my mind. I started to think about my past relationships, and other peoples relationships. The scary thing about what this audience member said was it was not the first time I heard these exact words.

In your twenties are you suppose to be in a relationship? Or are you suppose to have fun, and learn lessons in life? People who are young, and have been in long relationships worry me. They worry me because they do not really get to feel what it is like to be single. If they marry that person, the older they get the desire to cheat becomes more tempting. Because they really never had the opportunity to live and enjoy there twenties. People who stay in long relationships, and become single worry me because they have tendencies to be a "good catch" but they always let you know they want to have sex with you, but not a relationships.

I am a believer that we date to find out what we want in life, and what we are willing to not settle for. When we date we look at peoples characteristics to see what type of mate we are going to marry. What kind of personality do you want him/her to have?

To concluded this post I look at my relationship resume, and wonder how many of my relationships were actually monogamous. Did I ever do something to my mate that he would have considered unfaithful? Did he do anything that I would have considered him being unfaithful? How do you know your in a faithful relationship? Are you cheating in your mind and you don't even know it? Are daydreaming about what you want to do with someone else, and not even realizing that while your dreaming about someone else, you are loosing in your relationship?

Dreams

I remember Ashanti had this song on her first self titled album called "dream" and the chrous went "dreams are real, all you have to do is just believe." I wonder how many people have dreams and have never achieved anything they wanted. What is a dream? What is a goal? How do you achieve what you want to do?

I am a firm believer that in life you can do anything that you put your mind to, and the only thing that can hold you back is you. I have met so many people who have expressed there goals, and have stated there are things they want to do in life. When I ask them what steps they are actively taking to achieve those goals they have no answer. Why do people allow there dreams to become deferred? Does fear take over ones mind? We as a society become so complacent and accepting for whatever is currently taking place in our lives. We then get mad at others around us, who have positive things going for them.

I am a pusher.. If I care about someone and I believe in there passion, I am going to push them to become successful. Do what you believe in. Make yourself happy. You only get one shot at life. Why not make it worth your while. Sometimes, we have to remove ourselves from everyone, and everything. When removing yourself from the world for a day or so, you come back and feel refreshed. The purpose of removing yourself is to do some soul searching. Spend some time with yourself get to know yourself a little better. Think about where you currently are, where you want to be, and how you are going to get there. This should be done in all aspects of life. It may sound weird, but soul searching is important. Sometimes you think you know yourself, but you really don't until you spend time by yourself with yourself.

Every goal I wanted to accomplish during my undergraduate years I accomplished it. I am a believer in vision boards, and looking at your vision everyday. When you see your vision everyday you are more likely to succeed, and do what you vision yourself doing. I thank everyone who has /is supporting me in my goals. Since, you are supporting me I will do what I have set out to do. Our conversations have helped, and I will not let you all down. Thank You sooo much for being in my corner. Trust me, when I get there I will put you all on. I cannot do this by myself.

*FIn